And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
