He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
