I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
