A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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