Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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