If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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