I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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