I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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