im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
