note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
