i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
