I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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