I'm going to jail i love you
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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