fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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