I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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