I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
