Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
