I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
