fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
