I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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