So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
