Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
