guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
