Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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