know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
