dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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