They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
