You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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