I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
