I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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