Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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