you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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