I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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