He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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