The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
