I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
