He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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