I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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