the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
