I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
