Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
