Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
