Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
