I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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