dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
