I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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