It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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