They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
