Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize