I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
