you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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