Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Blood and glitter go together right?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
