You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
