Define "chronic" masturbator.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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