Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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